Just keep trying

Of course, in March 2020 the UK entered the first lockdown as Covid swept around the globe, and so we were mildly surprised to receive a referral questionnaire through the post not long after that initial appointment with the GP.

By July, and following an initial phone consultation, I found myself driving alone to the Cotswold Fertility Unit in Cheltenham for a face to face meeting and internal ultrasound with Mrs Reddy. It was during this ultrasound that the presence of at least one sizeable fibroid on the outside of my uterus, measuring around 8-10cm, was picked up, along with a reasonably low follicle count for someone of my age. I accepted the offer of a private blood test to check my AMH levels (Anti-Mullarian Hormone, a substance created by ovarian follicles - the lower the AMH, the lower the follicle count) - a result which came back a few weeks later confirming that the levels were more consistent with someone in their late 40s than early 30s - and Mrs Reddy talked me through the next steps, which would include exploratory abdominal surgery (a laparoscopy and dye test, which would reveal any blockages in my reproductive system), and eventually, if required, IVF. In the meantime, she told me, there was nothing that appeared to be directly responsible for my difficulty in conceiving and to keep trying!

I'd held it together so far, but I remember leaving the appointment and sitting in my car to call Gary, in floods of tears. Despite obviously being at the clinic in the first place because babies Weren't Happening, I hadn't really been prepared for the possibility of finding something like what I perceived to be a giant mass sitting on my uterus, potentially responsible for the years of painful, heavy periods. The fact that I'd had to attend the appointment alone was the first time of what would turn out to be many occasions where I have felt vulnerable, scared, and completely alone.

***

It took another year of tears, frustration, confusion, everyone around us seemingly getting pregnant and occasional phone calls to the clinic to ask what was going on before almost out of the blue I received a phone call on a Thursday just after my birthday in July 2022 to tell me I'd reached the top of the waiting list for surgery, and there was a cancellation slot available on the following Monday. From being told a few weeks prior that I would likely be waiting until at least October, suddenly it was action stations. The next day, I had to attend a surgical pre-assessment, go for a PCR test, and then isolate over the weekend until going into Cheltenham General on the Monday morning. Luckily, the weather at the time was incredible and Gary and I spent the time walking laps of the house and garden to keep our step count up, BBQing our food and camping out overnight - god only knows what anyone watching would have thought.

Monday morning came around, and as no-one was allowed in with me, Gary dropped me off at the hospital entrance and I found my way up to the ward. Soon enough, I was taken down to theatre and woke some time later in recovery, complete with three neat keyhole incisions. There had been a misunderstanding on my part, as I'd picked up an impression somewhere along the way that the fibroid was going to be removed at the same time, so to be told that it was still there* was quite a big disappointment. Otherwise, the dye test had shown that everything was as it should be, but along with the original fibroid it was noted that there was another, smaller one on the other side, measuring 5-6cm. The compressive effect of these fibroids on my fallopian tubes was "obviously the main reason for [my] delay in conception", and we were recommended on to IVF. 

*Removing a fibroid is, as Mrs Reddy put it, "a bloody and complicated procedure", with a lot of potential for things to go wrong. Preserving my fertility was of the utmost importance and so the risk of trying to remove it outweighed the complications it was causing by being there.

I'll admit that even with that knowledge, I was still absolutely crushed each time my period started for the first couple of months following the lap and dye test. I had immersed myself in fertility forums - as you do - and there was such a recurring theme of people who had fallen pregnant following the same surgery as the dye had 'unblocked' things that I couldn't help but get my hopes up. But no - that definitely wasn't something that applied here.

Over time though, resignation set in, and everything started to feel a bit lighter again - albeit now knowing that weird pains and cramps were probably because of the fibroids. I took to calling the larger one Janis. Knowing that we were approaching the path to IVF was scary, and felt unfair. But at last, there was a glimmer of positivity. Medical intervention was bound to finally get us where we wanted to be.